Hey Lovies!!!! It’s been a while. I know, I know. Where have I been!? Well, I left you in March saying, “Let Trouble Train you, While Purpose Sustains You.” Let’s just say that I’ve been doing just that. Adjusting to a new normal with My Love and his new heart…. Preparing my Young One for middle school and my Princess for college, working and getting things “in order” for the Lovey Tribe; but most importantly, learning things about myself. I have been learning about PTSD and emotional pain.
You see… when you spend a certain amount of time just surviving and adjusting to life moving in a certain manner, it becomes a normal occurrence. For example, when my husband was at his sickest point, I was ALWAYS on guard. I didn’t sleep at night. Listening to him breathe. Checking to make sure he’s ok. Praying over him. If he moved, I was UP. Just all-around stress and anxiety. I just could not sleep. I walked around silent for MONTHS before anyone knew how bad he had gotten. So, I was really moving as somewhat of a zombie in hyperdrive. Just doing what needed to be done. I would take some time alone in my car to cry and even take a power nap. But I knew that God had not left me/us. It was just a season.
Now you guys know…. We are in a new place. Learning a new normal. And it comes with its own set of challenges. But guess what!? Unbeknownst to myself, I was dealing with the pain… emotional trauma surrounding both my husband’s illness and my father’s death; even though, we are walking in a miracle. You see my dad died as a result of a massive heart attack, and he did so despite my best efforts at administering CPR. Right in the middle of our living room floor, I failed (at least I felt as though I failed) to save one of the most important people in my life. That unresolved issue… that unresolved PAIN was triggered by my husband’s illness. I couldn’t sleep because I felt I needed to be awake, so nothing slipped by me. I had to protect him from me… from my previous failures. This is what I felt. This was my pain. And now… that my husband is well… I still do not sleep. If he gets up to go to the bathroom and I wake up and he is not there… I am at a panic. I literally cannot breathe. I am frozen and afraid. I listen sweetly to the beat of his heart as he sleeps. My ear to his back would help me fall asleep at night. And one night as I stared at the ceiling, I heard GOD gently tell me to “Learn the difference between your intuition guiding you and your trauma misleading you, Tonisha.”
So now, through all of this I have come to realize that Pain will leave you once it is done teaching you. You must protect your weak spots. The enemy is being very strategic in attacking you in the places where you are most vulnerable. You May find things from the past coming to the surface. Things that you thought you dealt with and were finished, done and gone. He’s going to seek to remind you of people who have hurt you and/or rejected you, and some of the emotion(s) attached to that will come to the surface. Don’t let him attach seeds of fear, worthlessness, inferiority, failure, negativity, criticism and/or rage because only you have the power to give those seeds room to grow. This, too, is a test of your faith and your ability to rely on God. Remember that small comments and criticisms could provoke an overreaction. Step back. Reflect. And respond with love, wisdom, patience and gentleness. You’ve come a long way. Don’t rely on that familiar pain. The emotion of it all is real, but untrue. Protect your mind. Guard your heart. And be careful not to retreat and become reclusive…you are not alone, so don’t fight alone. Fight that urge. Remember this is a short season even if it doesn’t feel like it. It will pass. The PAIN…. It will leave you when it is done teaching you.
So, for now…. Won’t you grow through pain with me?
Toni-Michele